Rumor mill

[astra_nomer]

I recently heard that a friend of mine from grad school who was maybe four years behind me, who is due to defend her thesis this spring, who won a Hubble Fellowship, has been offered a tenure-track faculty position at one of the places I applied to (and was rejected from) this year.

I am such a loser.

Comments

[chenoameg.livejournal.com]

Serious flaw in your logic.

The fact that there are more outstanding astrophysics than you are does not make you a loser. Not even close.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

It's still kind of depressing. Not that I don't wish my friend well, I'm very happy for her! I'm just bummed.

[rifmeister.livejournal.com]

There is someone out there who is smarter than me.
There is someone out there who is better than me at the thing I am trying to do.
There is someone out there who's getting paid more than me, for less work.

It's hard, because I'm naturally so competitive in my internal mind. I want to be the best, the one. And sometimes, I'm often I'm not.

I think the goal is to learn to be satisfied that I've done my best. That's all I can ask of myself.

It seems to me like you've done your best.

[rifmeister.livejournal.com]

Oh, by the way, I know how you feel. It sucks.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sympathy. Having a competitive nature is all well and good until you lose, right?

What he said...

[(Anonymous)]

When I was interviewing for jobs, one place I looked was a local company doing really hard algorithms for really high-traffic searches. I learned that a colleague from grad school was also interviewing for the same position.

He got the offer and took the job. If I were in their position, I would've hired him over me as well. He's just vastly better than everybody else.

That said, he's since moved on to other things. And of course if I'd taken that job I wouldn't be working on Fortress today. It'll be water under the bridge.

But I wish I were better at actually doing my best. :-)

-Jan

Re: What he said...

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

But I wish I were better at actually doing my best.

That's part of my problem, too!

[nuclearpolymer.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah, but only if your main aim in life is to be the most successful astrophysicist that you know! On the other hand, if your main goal is to be better than everyone at everything, then you might be even more of a loser :)

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

So, on the one hand, yes, I secretly want to be the most successful astrophysicist I know! On the other hand, I suffer greatly from Imposter Syndrome. How those two things fit into my brain at the same time without breaking it is beyond me.

[ilai]

Bear in mind that there is more than one way to achieve your goal of being the most successful astrophysicist--but alas, killing off your competition is considered poor form.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

It is? Rats.

[kirisutogomen.livejournal.com]

Because if you secretly think that you're supposed to be the best astrophysicist in the world, then you are an imposter.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh. Well, no worries on that score. :)

[a-wry.livejournal.com]

You're still better than most other astrophysicists. Also, Einstein got shafted by the academic establishment when he first tried to be a professor.

*Hug.* Yeah, it sucks to be competitive when you don't win.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the compliment, even though my inner Imposter doesn't believe it... :)

[mama-pipa.livejournal.com]

Know the feeling, all too well. *hugs*

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

thanks.

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

Yes, well, she probably didn't have her second baby a freakin' month before defending her thesis, either. Followed by moving to another state and, hello, cancer, except apparently that barely slows you down if you happen to be Dr. Nomer.

Here's the deal: you're ironwoman. And if your success, at present, as an astrophysicist is not the same as hers (I'm not even going to say "not the same amount," Ms. press-release-interview-darling), I imagine your success overall kicks the ass of hers.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

Oh, come on, I had a whole TWO MONTHS AND 19 DAYS between DS2's birth and my defense! And the cancer was a pretty wussy one, the chemotherapy really did a number on it.

But I do appreciate you putting it all in context for me, really. Thanks. :)

[remcat.livejournal.com]

Part of me wants to argue with you ... because if you're a loser, what does that make me?? :) But, you know you're not a loser -- it's hard when someone in a similar position to you gets something you wish you had, but that is not the same as losing.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

Heh. It's like how I get annoyed at that faculty member next door who complains about what a big loser he is, despite being world-famous for his discoveries. It's all relative, I guess...

[marcusmarcusrc.livejournal.com]

Also, there is some amount of arbitrariness in the faculty search process the same way there is in the college admissions process. Politics, "fit", all sorts of other things.

But mostly I second everyone else. And hey, you are still way ahead of me, and I'm a year older than you!

[shumashi.livejournal.com]

It's funny, I was just talking about that sort of thing with Wayland at the Game Developer's Conference. We were discussing overheard sour grapes comments about how the complainers could create games as brilliant as Will Wright's games if they were given the same trust, resources, and time. Wayland's take on it was A. Will Wright earned those priveledges through excellent game design over the years, and B. Will Wright is brilliant, and it's rather unlikely that there are many other game designers who can be as great as he is regardless of what sort of publisher support they're given. We were joking about creating t-shirts to wear next year that say "Not Will Wright," to admit to the world that we are, in fact, not as good at game design as he is, and we aknowledge that, accept it, and have moved on.

As for me, I'm working in children's education. Scary responsibility, but I'm trying to do a good job, and in general, I think my involvement in the products we make will have a net good effect. I sort of think of it like a game designer. Like as a person able to affect things, I have 100 Change Effect Points. By the time I retire, I'll have spent my 100 points. At the moment, I'm working on spending my points on creating an artifact to raise the Literacy skill of American preschoolers. Yes, there are people out there who are more brilliant than I am, and they have 500 or 1000 Change Effect Points, but that doesn't mean my measly 100 Points are worthless. They'll be added to others, they'll accumulate, and they'll (hopefully) make some real changes for the better. I'll probably never be aknowledged for my 100 points, no more than the people who only have 50 points or 10, but I'm trying to spend my points the best I can.