On Gender

[astra_nomer]

Inspired by an entry posted by capsicumanuum, because my comment there was spiraling out of control.

The winter holidays are fast approaching, and DH and I were discussing gift ideas for our kids. DH suggested an electronics kit. "You know, like the kind where you can build your own simple devices like radios and stuff." And I looked at him and said, "No, I don't know what you're talking about. Those toys were for boys."

Even though I grew up with the firm belief that I could grow up to be whatever I wanted and was better at math and science than 99.9% of the boys, I still managed to internalize a lot of gender stereotyping. I might gaze wistfully at the boys' toys, but I would never let myself play with them. I was reminded forcefully of this when I went to see the Transformers movie this summer. I distinctly remember avidly watching episodes of the TV series, heartily wishing all the while that girls could have cool toys like that, too.

DS1 is in Cub Scouts now, and they had their Raingutter Regatta on Monday. In his pack, siblings are welcome to participate in all activities, and I watched a couple of little girls happily puffing away at the sails of their boats. And again there was that wistful tug at the heart: if only my parents had let me do that, too.

Then again, yesterday I played soccer for my former institution in its semiannual intramural competition. The rule is at least two women on the field per side, because although we women are just as capable scientists are the men, physically we are just not as tall, not as muscular. Having the rule gives us the opportunity to play, because otherwise the teams would consist only of hulking brutes. But there was a definite sense that the normal jostling that takes place on the field was less acceptable if a woman was involved.

My kids are trying to sort out gender differences, too, and it's hard. On one level, I want them to know that gender identity is fluid, and that everyone figures out for herself or himself what it means to be a man or woman. At the same time, they need to understand cultural expectations so that they can successfully navigate through society. DS1 wanted to grow his hair out long, which was fine by me, but eventually he asked to get it cut because everyone called him a girl. DS2 is going through a phase where insists that he's a girl, mostly because he's got a pink backpack and likes wearing barrettes and hairclips. And really, I feel like the ages of 6 and 3, respectively, are too early to bring up the notion of transgenderism, so I've been sticking to the you've-got-a-penis-so-you're-a-boy definition.

So, in the end, DS1 will get both an electronics kit and a dollhouse for the holidays, because I see some of the same wistfulness in his eyes when he plays with toys at other people's houses. I just hope he doesn't mind if I play with his electronics kit, too.

Comments

[ayekamn.livejournal.com]

One of my strongest memories of my mom was one time when we were at Toys'R'Us. I picked out a Transformer to buy, and she commented that she was happy that I could play with whatever type of toy I wanted to, and that when she was a kid, although she always wanted to, she wasn't allowed to play with boy's toys.

I played primarily with Transformers, Gi Joes & Legos as a kid. There were definitely some My Little Ponies in the mix, but I definitely got to pick out whatever I wanted, regardless of gender.

I'm so thankful that they allowed me to develop my own interests instead of being forced into a certain mold one way or another.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

Now that I think back on it, they didn't let me have more than a couple of Barbie dolls, either, no matter how much I begged and pleaded for more. So maybe they just didn't buy me toys. :)

No, actually, my parents are pretty steadfast believers in gender roles to this day. I think they are astounded that my husband does the bulk of the housework, and are afraid that he will eventually run out on me because I refused to do my job at home.

Maybe it's good that I ended up with a couple of boys - I can play with their toys when they aren't looking. :)

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the one gendered-toy thing that happened in my household was that my mom would NOT, no matter what, let me have any Barbies. I was totally bummed out.

(Other than that, favorite toys growing up included dump trucks and model horses. I never did see growing up any boxes put around me due to gender -- whether they weren't there or I just didn't see them, I don't know. Actually the only place I've noticed them is in my current job, surrounded by normal people.)

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

My brothers were very good at reinforcing gender roles. The whole girls-versus-boys battles were endless. I recall being about 5 and declaring that I would be president someday, and my older brother mocking me for it, "they're going to call you Mister President. How are you today, Mister President?" until I dissolved into tears.

And really, there's nothing like comparing the gifts you get with your brother. When we were teenagers, my uncle gave my brother an electric razor, you know, something that was actually useful. Me? I got eye-shadow. And I wore as much make-up then as I do now.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I seem to have mis-read your comment the first time around. But I'll leave the above response in place anyway, since I think it's an interesting observation in its own right...

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

You're right, though (and I hadn't thought of this until now) that being an only child helped me stay insulated from social pressures in a way that would've been much harder had I had a brother in-house for comparison.

[firstfrost.livejournal.com]

I find myself thinking of my niece and wondering what gender of toy toothbrushes and potatoes are. :)

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

You mean whether toothbrushes and potatoes are boys or girls, or whether girls versus boys play with them? :)

I would guess that personification of inanimate objects is a stereotypically girly type of thing to do. However, when referring to inanimate objects, they are invariably called "he." Now there's an interesting puzzle.

[firstfrost.livejournal.com]

I meant the latter. :)

(I think of the people I know, mjperson is the person most likely to personify inanimate objects, though... er, now I feel like I should edit this sentence to remove all the extraneous "person"s, but it's funny this way.)

[desireearmfeldt]

Perhaps his name is secretly short for "mjpersonify." That might explain a lot. :)

Invariably, eh?

[mjperson.livejournal.com]

You need to figure out the character of a thing before you just start calling it "he". I was planning to name my car Diane, but it turned out it was a boy car, so got named Bob. Don't be taken in by outward appearances! They can be deceiving.

[marcusmarcusrc.livejournal.com]

It is sad that having enlightened parents doesn't solve everything, because your social circle is still likely to be unenlightened.

Were other kids teasing DS1 about being a girl in a negative way, or was it just that people got confused? (and if the former, where do you suppose they learn it?)

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

People have always been mistakenly calling my boys girls. I can't see where that comes from, but then again, I've always known they were boys.

I'm not sure so much of it was teasing, as it was "hey, you have long hair like a girl, so you must be a girl, so get out of the boys bathroom." It's hard to say the intent behind those statements, since all I know about it is what DS1 has told me.

[marcusmarcusrc.livejournal.com]

Ah. So it is a more subtle discrimination: people teach their kids to identify gender by signs like "long hair" or "wearing skirts" or whatever (or possibly it isn't taught, it is picked up from pattern association). So it is difficult to break the stereotype because anything that makes you different is bad (eg, speaking a second language - i felt speaking spanish set me apart when I was young - or liking to read when other people like sports, or whatever). This even happens to enlightened older people sometimes - I met a kid (maybe 10 years old?) who had amazing long blond hair in braids, a fairly gender neutral name, and a kind of feminine face, and while my confusion about his gender did not impact my interactions with him, I certainly spent a little while trying to figure it out.

You might be interested in this: http://traceesioux.blogspot.com/2007/11/bob-vs-barbie.html

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

So it is a more subtle discrimination: people teach their kids to identify gender by signs like "long hair" or "wearing skirts" or whatever (or possibly it isn't taught, it is picked up from pattern association).

Exactly. And it starts so early. When kids start learning to use pronouns, we automatically correct them to say "he" and "she" when appropriate, because, let's face it, it's rude to call someone by the wrong one.

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

People are all the time saying that I have an adorable boy. I waver between inexplicably annoyed and not bothering to correct them. They get pretty embarrassed, though.

I figure eventually she will have hair[*] and the traditional gender signifiers will work in my direction ;).

[*] Well, she's not bald. But her hair is short, slow to grow in, and very fine and blond (so it's not hugely visible). And is looking more like nonnihil's every day; she's rocking one heck of a cowlick right now.

[jadia.livejournal.com]

We got gendered toys (I got horses and dolls and barbies, and my brother got transformers and GI Joes; we both could play with little cars but he was more interested in them). We both got legos but I was more interested in them.

I never really felt limited though, because we were close enough in age that I could play with his toys with him. He never really wanted to play with my toys. And I played pretty "boy"-ish games with my girlish toys - wars, hostage/rescues, heros, etc.

[kirisutogomen.livejournal.com]

New, from Mattel! Hostage Negotiator Barbie (TM)

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

OMG. Want!

My head is a very nice place to live.

[chenoameg.livejournal.com]

I got neutral toys, and then -- because I begged for them incessantly -- Barbies. I wasn't really interested in playing with Transformers. Although I considered all of my legos to be neutral toys. Maybe they were really boy toys.

What I did have, though, was boy books.
Most of the books that I really really remember from elementary school were boy books. Matthew Looney and the Space Pirates. Encyclopedia Brown. Some other kid detective who did more science (Einstein Anderson?) Hardy boys. John Bellairs horror novels. I did read lots of girl books (more so starting in middle school). But I'm very glad I was able to read so many boy books.

I realized something when I was reading "Richard Scary's Busy Busy People" to your DS1 years ago. When there are male characters in a book I tend to think of them as gender neutral. Men or women could be doing those jobs. (This is particularly strong in "Busy Busy People". The people in pants could be either male or female. The people in skirts had to be female. So women can do anything, but men can only do some things.)

So I could identify as closely with the boys who were heroes as the girls.

My skills got even more elaborate when I started reading badly gendered science fiction -- when there weren't female characters my brain just filled in an equal and opposite gendered bunch of people somewhere else. Like this was the all-male space ship, and elsewhere in space was the all female spaceship. Of course women could do any of those things, and were, just outside the frame of the story. It was only when women characters were present and insipid that my trick didn't work.

Like I said, my head is a nice place to live, if a bit odd.

Re: My head is a very nice place to live.

[astra-nomer.livejournal.com]

For a while, I was able to get away with switching lots of he's for she's in books I was reading to DS1. Until he started memorizing them. And now that he can read, I can't get away with that at all.